Review 7: Wrong Turn franchise

Wrong Turn

Directed by: Rob Schmidt

Starring: Desmond Harrington, Eliza Dushku, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Jeremy Sisto, Kevin Zegers, Lindy Booth, Julian Richings, Garry Robbins, Ted Clark

Released on May 30, 2003

Running time: 1h 25m

Rated R

Genre: Horror

Goshdarn stereotypes.

No, really. Cardboard cutout characters from the victims to the killers.

I’m not angry about this. I’m not. I just feel that the movie could have been better without the West Virginian hillbilly stereotypes. That the villains of this movie [franchise] could have been presented as the exception, not the norm.

Our story begins as Chris Flynn (Desmond Harrington) is on his way to a…job interview? I forget. But that’s beside the point. The highway he must take is blocked off by some sort of accident, so Chris, already late for his interview, takes the dirt road shortcut through the woods. He accidentally crashes his car into another car, whose tires have been flattened by a strip of barbed wire across the road. The car belongs to a group of young adults. Scott (Jeremy Sisto) and his bride-to-be Carly (Emmanuelle Chriqui), Evan (Kevin Zegers) and his girlfriend Francine (Lindy Booth), and Jessie (Eliza Dushku).

While Chris, Jessie, Scott, and Carly go off into the woods to search for…something, Evan and Francine remain at the car and engage in a sexual act, resulting in this obvious kill.

The group arrives at a makeshift cabin in a clearing and go inside. They hide when they hear a car approaching. Three hideously deformed hillbillies enter, carrying the bodies of Evan and Francine. The group watches in horror as the trio messily devours Francine’s corpse.

These three cannibals have been nicknamed by the creators of the franchise: Saw-Tooth (Gary Robbins), One-Eye (Ted Clark), and Three-Finger (Julian Richings).
The group attempts to escape as the cannibals close in on them and begin picking them off.

Stephen King was purportedly a big fan of this franchise. And I can understand why.

The story is generic slasher. The characters are stereotypes. But, overall, it’s a surprisingly fun retread.
Evan and Francine? They’re horny stoners. Kill them. Scott and Carly? They’re getting married, for gosh sakes! Chris and Jessie? They’re proving themselves to be pretty competent. Oh, and they can act.

I don’t really have much of an analysis, only that this is a good start for an unexpectedly fun franchise. As I write this review, I have only seen the first five and will be watching the final one soon.

The second one is easily my favorite so far.

It deals with not just three deformed cannibals, but an entire family of them.
A disgruntled Army veteran is hosting a TV show: The Apocalypse. Several contestants will attempt to survive all sorts of crazy stuff over several days so they can win $100,000. But the resolve of the contestants is tested as they start dropping like flies.
Wait…which one is Three-Finger? All these cannibals look the same! Oh well. Our family of cannibals, Ma, Pa, Sister, and Brother, actually act like a real family. Pa teaches Brother how to shoot a bow and arrow. They genuinely care for each other. They have dinner as a family. They say grace over dinner before they eat. Oh, and near the beginning, Ma gives birth to an adorable deformed baby. Aaaaaand Sister and Brother have an incestuous relationship. Ew. Three-Finger finally shows up around halfway through the movie. Our Army vet acts like R. Lee Ermey. Good. And Erica Leerhsen shows that she can act! Yay! It’s about dang time she was in a good movie!

The third one deals with a group of prisoners during a transfer. The bus is crashed by Three-Finger, and he hunts down the prisoners one by one. Oh, and he has a son, nicknamed Three-Toes…who is axed before the movie’s even halfway over. The story is really weak, the characters are annoying and stupid, the script is shaky, and the acting is subpar at best. Oh, and the special effects are laughably bad.

The fourth one starts with the original cannibal trio’s backstory. They’re in a mental hospital, they break out, free the rest of the patients, kill the staff, and, over a period of a few years, eat everyone there. A few years later, some college kids go snowmobiling. A blizzard comes up, and the group takes shelter in the asylum. And the cannibal trio begins hunting them. I don’t have much to say, other than that this was just meh. And the ending sucks. Its sucks BALLS.

The fifth one involved some sheriff, five teenagers, Doug Bradley who needs to fire his agent, and our cannibal trio. I forget the rest. I know, right? Worst one yet.

Flawed, but decent franchise. When it has its moments, it really has its moments. When it doesn’t suck, it’s actually really cool.

Final Verdict:

Wrong Turn: 3/5

WT2: Dead End: 3.5/5

WT3: Left for Dead: 2/5

WT4: Bloody Beginnings: 1.5/5

WT5: Bloodlines: .5/5

WT6: Last Resort: .5/5


Review 6: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake) (.5/5)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake)

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Starring: Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Erica Leerhsen, Mike Vogel, Eric Balfour, Andrew Bryniarski, R. Lee Ermey

Released on October 17, 2003

Running time: 1h 38m

Rated R

Genre: Horror

Michael Bay, infamous for Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, became one of the creators of the film studio Platinum Dunes. And to start the studio’s career off on a very nasty note, Bay as producer and Marcus Nispel as director released this cruddy remake of the still scary horror classic: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

The original TCSM is still scary to this day with its gritty material but minimalist effects, primitive camerawork, and shoestring budget.

How does Michael Bay screw it up?

Our story begins with a voiceover, similar to the original TCSM.  “Found” footage plays, showing two police officers going into the basement of the Hewitt, rather than Sawyer, place, observing blood, hair, and fingernails on the wall on the way down. The footage is interrupted by the title screen before we can see what is in the basement.

We shift to our five teenagers driving through Texas to Dallas to see a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.

Sweet home Alabama! Where the skies are so blue (and the government’s true)! Sweet home Alabama! Lord, I’m coming home to you (here I come. Alabama)!

Our five teenagers are Erin (Jessica Biel) and her boyfriend Kemper (Eric Balfour), Andy (Mike Vogel) and his girlfriend Pepper (Erica Leerhsen), and Morgan (Jonathan Tucker) the stoner.

One tiny little plot point that is brought up and thrown away (literally) surprisingly quickly: Andy, Kemper, and Morgan have smuggled two pounds of pot out of Mexico in a piñata.

The group, after almost hitting a hitchhiker (Lauren German), pick her up. She is clearly disheveled, and, after a few minutes, pulls a gun out of her … crotch (okay.) … and shoots herself in the mouth.

After the group pulls over at a gas station and calls the sheriff, they go to “the old Crawford mill”, meeting Jedediah (David Dorfman), who tells them that the Sheriff is at home, getting drunk. Oh, and his home is about a five-minute walk from “the old Crawford mill”.

Erin and Kemper go to the house and encounter only Monty (Terrence Evans), who lets Erin use his phone. After Erin doesn’t come out, Kemper goes in, looks for Erin, an is promptly killed by Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski) – oh, sorry, Thomas Hewitt! Erin returns to the group’s van to learn that Kemper is missing. Erin’s search leads to … screw it. This was my response to most of the scenes in this movie:


What makes this movie incredibly disappointing is its comparison to the original movie.

The original was visceral, gritty, grainy, dusty, dirty, disturbing, intense, and legitimately scary.

This remake is tired. It’s desperately trying to please fans of the original by adding gore, but it just takes away from the atmosphere. Oh, and where was the cannibalism? It’s boring. Part of what made the original scary was its primitive camerawork. In the remake, slick camerawork only detracts from the finished product. The gore is too fast and too loose, rendering it immature and ineffective. The gore does not support the story; it only underscores the movie’s weaknesses, and ultimately detracts from the already weak and somewhat confusing story. Oh, and where’s the cannibalism?

The movie’s only saving grace is a fantastic performance by GOD ON HIGH, TREASURE TO THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman himself (God rest his soul), R. LEE ERMEY! He shouts, swears, and is an all-around jerkface. And he is the only likeable character in the film.

Leatherface is FAT. How does he keep up during any of these chase sequences? What made him scary in the original was this: instead of talking, he squealed like a pig. He doesn’t in the remake. Oh, and apparently he’s not all bad. He’s just “misunderstood”. How the hell is he just “misunderstood” when in the remake, Leatherface is clearly a sadistic killer?

And so it begins – the long line of awful horror flicks from Platinum Dunes.

The spawn of Bay.


Final verdict: .5 out of 5 stars.

Review 5: The Grudge (3.5/5)

The Grudge

Directed by Takashi Shimizu

Starring: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jason Behr, Bill Pullman, Ryo Ishibashi, Yuya Ozeki, Takako Fuji

Released on October 22, 2004

Running time: 1h 39m

Rated PG-13

Genre: Horror

BUUUUUFFYYYYYY! Heh-hey, I didn’t know Buffy the Vampire Slayer was in this movie! That’s awesome! Seriously, it is! I love Buffy!

In the tradition of Japanese, Chinese, and Korean horror movies like Ringu (The Ring), Chakushin Ari (One Missed Call), Gin Gwai (The Eye), Kairo (Pulse), Dark Water, Shutter, and A Tale of Two Sisters, Ju-on (The Grudge) has been remade for American audiences. Personally, it ties with The Ring as my favorite American remake of a Japanese horror movie. (And considering that One Missed Call and Pulse were both critically panned – 0% and 10% on Rotten Tomatoes respectively – that definitely evens out the playing field.) Japanese horror movies are a must-see for EVERY horror fan.

Our story begins in Japan (we learn later that this opening scene takes place three years prior to the main story), where we see Peter (Bill Pullman), a professor at a Japanese university, at his apartment. His wife, Maria (Rosa Blasi), wakes up just in time so see him commit suicide by throwing himself out of their apartment’s fifth(?) story window. Peter’s wife and Japanese passersby react as you’d expect.

We suddenly switch gears and we see Yoko (Yoko Maki), a hired maid, arriving at the home of Matt, (William Mapother) the husband, Jennifer, (Clea DuVall) the wife, and Emma, (Grace Zabriskie) Matt’s invalid mother. We later learn that these events happen a day prior to the main story. Matt and Jennifer aren’t home. Yoko starts cleaning the house, but, as you’d expect, she hears something in the attic. When she goes up to investigate, as expected, she sees a white face and is pulled up into the attic and is presumably killed. The white face belongs to a ghost of a Japanese woman, whose name is later revealed to be (the well-known horror icon) Kayako Saeki (Takako Fuji). We later learn that Yoko was indeed killed. Oh, and this scene and the next one are linear.

We finally transition to our main story, where we meet Karen (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and her boyfriend Doug (Jason Behr). They’re college students studying abroad in Japan – well, at least Doug is. Karen works at an American-Japanese company run by her slightly-too-nice boss, Alex (Ted Raimi). Yoko didn’t show up for work, so Alex sends Karen to fill in for her. Karen cleans Matt, Jennifer, and Emma’s house better than Yoko, but also feels that something’s wrong. She goes to investigate, and finds the closet doors leading to the attic sealed with tape. She rips the tape off, opens the door, and encounters a little Japanese boy and his cat, named Toshio (Yuya Ozeki) and Mar respectively. For all Ju-on fans, you know that this is not going to end well. After calling Alex, Karen sees something in Emma’s room. She goes to investigate. At first there is nothing, but after a few seconds, an ethereal mass of black hair descends from the ceiling. Eyes open where the face would be. It kills Emma, and lunges at Karen.

The next scene occurs a few days prior to the scene with Yoko. Matt, Jennifer, and Emma move in to their house, accompanied by Matt’s sister Susan (KaDee Strickland), and already different characters (Emma and a Japanese realtor) feel as if there’s something wrong. After an uneventful day, Jennifer is lured into her bedroom, and, as expected, the door closes behind her. Matt arrives home, finds Jennifer in their bedroom with Toshio. Matt and Jennifer are locked in their room and killed.

We return to a visibly shaken Karen and a dead Emma as Alex finds them. After the police, led by Detective Nakagawa (Ryo Ishibashi), find the corpses of Matt and Jennifer and a bottom jaw in the attic, we see Karen in the hospital.

After being visited by Doug and interviewed by Nakagawa, Karen checks herself out of the hospital and begins her own investigation of the house and the evil that inhabits it.

It’s scary! It’s literally scary! Its scary moments are legitimately tense! Most of them are done right! They start decently and build real suspense, even though we’ve seen every one of these scares before! Most don’t even close with a jumpscare; they just use Japanese horror at its finest! It even managed to make me lose a little bit of sleep!

Once all the story is laid out, it actually is surprisingly easy to follow! It makes sense! Sure it’s nonlinear, but at least the scenes fit together like a puzzle!

The characters are developed! You feel for them! You even feel for Kayako! KAYAKO, OF ALL PEOPLE! They feel like real people! Buffy is incredible as she always is! Nakagawa is actually given backstory! He has friends that were claimed by the curse! You feel Peter’s pain when he discovers what happened at the Saeki place!

I don’t see why there is so much hate for this film. It’s a beautiful juxtaposition of Japanese horror and American cinema.

Final verdict: 3.5 out of 5 stars. It’s great despite some minor flaws.

Review 4: Halloween (remake) (.5/5)


Halloween (remake)

Directed by Rob Zombie

Starring: Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Brad Dourif, Sheri Moon Zombie

Released on August (really?) 31, 2007

Running time: 2h 1m

Rated R (Suggested rating: NC-17 for prolonged sequences of strong brutal violence throughout, strong sexual content and dialogue throughout, graphic nudity, and frequent use of strong language)

Genre: Horror, Exploitation

Normally I don’t get angry about horror movie remakes not being faithful to the source material. Hell, just film adaptations of anything in general, from books to video games to TV shows. While The Last Airbender movie made some changes, at least it didn’t completely butcher it’s source material. It may have removed some story elements, but it did not completely redefine each of its characters. Even The Silence of the Lambs wasn’t 100% faithful to the source material. Even Psycho wasn’t 100% faithful to its source material. Unlike this remake of the timeless, though flawed, horror classic, and undeniably scary and iconic horror villain.

Rob Zombie apparently said something along the lines of this: he tried to give a soul to the boogeyman.

However, what made Michael Myers in the John Carpenter classic legitimately scary was this. We only knew this about him: he killed his sister at age 6. He spent the next 17 years in an insane asylum. And then he escaped. He’s after Laurie now, and he’ll kill anyone who gets in his way. Oh, and Dr. Sam Loomis says that Michael is reeeaaally eeeeeeeeeeevil. But we all forgot about that backstory when that white mask showed up on screen. We were witnessing the basic boogeyman being thrown at us with full force. He never says a word. You can’t reason with him. You can’t hurt, let alone kill, him. And all he wants to do is kill you. And he’ll kill anyone who gets in his way.

That was pretty scary. Not the movie, but Michael. While I thought that the original Halloween was for the most part unimpressive, I did find the character of Michael Myers to be decently scary.

Want to hear what Rob Zombie did to him? I thought not.

We begin with Michael (played by Daeg Faerch, who, honestly, gives a surprisingly good performance as young Michael) as a child. He has been implied to have been gruesomely killing several of his pet rats. We learn that he has a papier-mâché mask fetish hobby.

He is then revealed to be living with his abusive, unemployed father, his loving and caring but stripper mother (Sheri Moon Zombie, in her only non-nude role that I know of), his slutty older sister Judith, and his baby sister, known only as Boo.

Like a moron, Zombie tries to hide the fact that Michael’s baby sister Boo is oh-so-obviously Laurie by having her never be addressed by name, and having young Michael address her as Boo. Does he seriously think that we didn’t see the original?

Oh, and Michael genuinely loves little Boo. Then what’s supposed to happen to the original’s main plot point: Michael hunting Laurie?

We learn that Michael suffers from another cliche: he’s bullied at school. Really bullied. Oh, and he drops F bombs way too many times to look like a six-year-old. (Or is he ten in this remake? I forget.) He regularly gets beat up, but he manages to hold his own in a fight.

That afternoon, on October 31st, he corners the bully in the forest. Wearing a clown mask, he bludgeons the bully to death with a stick. Umm…yay?

He then goes home and ties up his father in his easy chair, and duct tapes his mouth. Therefore, Judith and her boyfriend don’t notice him when they arrive at the Myers residence. Michael slits his dad’s throat after he sees Judith and her boyfriend go upstairs to have sex. Michael puts on the iconic mask, goes upstairs, and brutally kills both Judith and her boyfriend post-coitus. Michael goes downstairs, gets Boo (Laurie), and they both wait outside for their mother.

The murders result in the trial of the century, and Michael is sent to a mental institution. Dr. Sam Loomis, played by a way-too-talented-for-this-crap Malcolm McDowell, develops a relationship with Michael, who slowly but surely stops talking altogether. After Michael murders a staff member with a fork (interesting choice of weapon), Michael’s mother commits suicide…offscreen. Mr. Zombie, that was a missed opportunity. For a man who LOVES his gory as hell flicks, he did not show this death onscreen. Michael is now completely silent and never takes his mask off. His mask fetish hobby has increased dramatically, so far as hanging each of his masks on the walls of his cell. He remains in the institution for 15 years.

On October 30th, a pair of janitors attempt to rape a female, mentally retarded inmate. Michael (now played by Tyler Mane) kills them and escapes, leaving a trail of blood all the way home to Haddonfield. I found it interesting how Daeg Faerch has blond hair, but Tyler Mane has dark brown hair.

And now, at long last, we finally meet Laurie (Scout Taylor-Compton), who, I swear, has the most ball-scrapingly annoying voice, and sex-obsessed mind. It’s truly remarkable how I’ve only known this character for a minute, and I already want her to die.

A few scenes later, we see the famous shot of Michael being there, standing still, staring at Laurie, and being gone in the next shot…if it had been done by Carpenter. But no. Zombie actually shows Michael trudge offscreen.

The gutting of Michael’s character isn’t even the worst part.

While John Carpenter was very minimalist, Rob Zombie is really over-the-top.

The 2007 remake of the 1978 horror classic features graphic, bloody (not actually gory) violence, illicit and explicit sex, illegal drug use, and F bombs being dropped almost constantly. John Carpenter didn’t need all of that!

Absolutely disgusted by this travesty, I walked out after roughly forty to seventy minutes of its two hour running time.

If this is not the worst remake of a horror film, then it makes it all the more shameful. Two actors with legitimate talent allowed themselves to participate in this crap. Malcolm McDowell and Daeg Faerch turn in fantastic performances as Loomis and young Michael, respectively. Interestingly enough, Sheri Moon Zombie actually put forth a surprisingly convincing performance as Michael’s mother.

I will not be viewing the 2009 sequel anytime soon, but considering that it actually received lower reviews than its predecessor, I believe that Zombie has rubbed salt into the still-painful wounds left by the 2007 film. From what I’ve heard, Michael actually removes his mask and TALKS.


Update: Nine months later, I have watched the sequel, making sure not to walk out.

It was worse.

Final verdict: .5 out of 5 stars. Not even Malcolm McDowell and Daeg Faerch can save this.

Review 3: P2 (3.5/5)


Directed by Franck Khalfoun

Starring: Rachel Nichols, Wes Bentley

Released on November 9, 2007

Running time: 1h 38m

Rated R

Genre: Thriller, Horror

I was surprised when the only legitimate bone I had to pick with P2 was the casting of Wes Bentley. He is and always will be the weird Goth kid from Ghost Rider (which was a really silly movie).

Our leading lady, Angela (Rachel Nichols), is working late at her job (we’re never told what it is) on Christmas Eve. She tries to leave, but not only will her car not start, not only are the elevators locked and only open by a keycard, not only are the lobby doors locked, not only are the garage doors locked, but the security guard, Tom (Wes Bentley), is just too d@mn nice.

Not a good sign.

And this is where it gets slightly unnerving.

Tom drugs her with chloroform, knocking her out, and he drags her to his office on floor – this is my favorite, by the way – P2. OOOOOOOOOOOH!

Angela wakes up in Tom’s office with a candlelit dinner in front of her on a table. She is chained to it, and Tom is sitting across from her, dressed as Santa Claus. We learn, through Tom’s attempted small talk with Angela, that he is dangerously obsessed with her. He even shows her security camera footage of a drunken Jim (Simon Reynolds) sexually harassing her and makes it even worse by saying that Angela must teach herself to overcome her alleged promiscuity.

When Angela attempts to escape, Tom handcuffs her, forces her to get into his car, and drives her down to P4, where Jim himself is handcuffed to a chair. After beating him in gruesome fashion, Tom smashes Jim into the wall with his car, killing him, again in gruesome fashion. Tom claims that he’s trying to help Angela to not be a promiscuous slut. Angela escapes from Tom’s car and runs off into the garage.

From here, the movie turns into a surprisingly effective and discomforting game of cat and mouse, culminating in a surprisingly satisfying conclusion.

Rachel Nichols does quite a good job as a frightened, paranoid, but sexy Angela.

However, we have to deal with the surprisingly and laughably bad performance of Wes Bentley as Tom. I would have found it so much easier to take Tom seriously if Bentley had not been cast in the role. I don’t know who I could have recommended instead. While Bentley manages to do decently when he’s speaking normally and actually trying to sound nice, but when he’s angry, Bentley’s ineptitude rears its ugly head. Bentley “shows emotion” by … SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUUUUUUUUUNGS! When Bentley does this, he ruins any sort of tension and suspense that the scene might have had. He, perhaps single-handedly, breaks the movie, perhaps being the main reason for P2’s low ratings (currently at 35% on Rotten Tomatoes and 37% on Metacritic).
However, disregarding Bentley’s performance, Tom is actually a surprisingly creepy pervert who’s willing to go to great lengths to be able to screw Angela. He even films footage of him feeling her up while she’s unconscious. He even successfully manages to create just enough tension to create a nagging sense of discomfort even when he’s offscreen. I was pleasantly surprised by this. No, more than surprised. I was amazed.

Here’s an idea: Remake this, and avoid Wes Bentley at all costs. Make it a little more scary, increase the tension, and I think you might have a surprisingly effective horror movie.

But here’s one more thing: I look forward to seeing Franck Khalfoun direct Amityville: The Reawakening.

I think he’ll do pretty well.

Just…don’t rely on Wes Bentley for a damn thing.

Final Verdict: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Review 2: Sunshine (.5/5)


Directed by Danny Boyle

Starring: Cillian Murphy, Rose Byrne, Chris Evans, Cliff Curtis, Troy Garity, Michelle Yeoh, Benedict Wong, Hiroyuki Sanada, Mark Strong, Chipo Chung

Released on April 5, 2007

Running time: 1h 47m

Rated R

Genre: Sci-fi, Thriller

When I say that the effects – which are stellar, by the way – are this movie’s only saving grace, you know you’re in for a treat.

It is the year 2057. Our sun is using up its energy too fast and is dying, causing the Earth to slowly freeze over. In a desperate mission, NASA sends a spaceship, with an 8-person crew led by a very dark, brooding, and emo Robert Capa (Cillian Murphy) and a somewhat annoying female version of HAL 9000 (Chipo Chung), the Icarus 2, to restart the sun with – get this – a cube-shaped nuclear fission bomb the size of Manhattan Island. And they plan to detonate it at – of all places – the sun’s core.

Sounds legit. Ah, who am I kidding? Even the science is wrong! Come on! If the sun is using up its energy as fast as it is, won’t it be getting increasingly hotter as opposed to cooler? Do you really think that something the size of Manhattan is really going to affect something the size of the sun? Even if it could, how could you possibly get it to the sun’s core, which is roughly twenty-seven million degrees Fahrenheit? And then, how in heaven’s name could it possibly work as quickly as it does? Never explained!

Unfortunately, we spend most of the movie dealing with our list of flat, boring, cardboard cutout characters, with the occasional bit of banter thrown in, the occasional F-bomb dropped, or the occasional BS reason to kill off one of our characters.

(No, really. At least two characters commit seppuku out of some stupid self-righteous reason. Yes, I used the word “seppuku”. One of our axed characters is Asian. And he commits seppuku by letting himself be exposed to pure sunlight for no reason!)

Eventually, the crew of the Icarus 2 finds the derelict Icarus 1 right out of nowhere. Apparently, eight years prior, the Icarus 1 was launched with the same plan as Icarus 2. Earth and Icarus 1 lost contact, and the mission was repeated with Icarus 2.

And then we learn why Icarus 1 was lost.

It turns out that the captain of Icarus 1, Pinbacker (Mark Strong), was a radical Christian whackadoo who believed that the reason that the sun was dying was that God had given up on humanity and wanted to destroy them. Pinbacker thought that it was not humanity’s place to challenge the will of God. So, Pinbacker killed the rest of the crew and cut off contact with Earth.

And this is how Sunshine portrays the stereotypical Christian.

The crew of – wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That’s how this movie portrays Christians? How…how dare you take the most powerful force of good in the world, and then attempt to tell us that this psychopath is what every member is hiding under that transparent skin of theirs? Screw everything about you, you evil, hateful, ignorant little – shut up, me, before i go into an incredibly long-winded rant.

Okay, I’ve calmed down. Any decent religious guy like me believes that if anything, God’s will would have been for humanity to figure out a way to save themselves! And if all attempts failed, God would step in and fix the sun himself! We are God’s children! As long as one human has any good in him/herself, God will never lose faith in humanity!

Back to the…plot. If you can call it that. The crew of Icarus 2 investigate, and we learn that Pinbacker is alive somehow. He stows away in Icarus 2 and (here’s where we switch genres out of nowhere – into a slasher film) begins sabotaging the ship and killing off the crew members one by one.

Let’s see: Crazy guy? Check. Crazy backstory? Check. Stupid modus operandi of killing people? Check. Kills off everyone except the main characters? Check. BS reason for killing? Check. Never seen in focus? Check. Lighting sucks whenever he’s around? Check. Physically “different”? Check. Rarely talks? Check. And EEEEEEEEEEVIL? CHECK!

There. Every slasher villain cliche…EVER!

Pinbacker kills everyone off except the two main characters: Capa and Cassie (Rose Byrne). The three meet on the bomb itself for the final confrontation: the oh-so-kind atheists that are trying to save the world versus the eeeeeeeevil Christian that wants to see God’s will fulfilled and humanity destroyed.


For a movie that’s trying to stick it to Christianity and say that science and atheism reign supreme, they sure have some horribly done science to show for it!

The story has a million holes. The characters are just there to die. Hell, one of our Asian characters is given a Spanish name: Corazon. Christians are portrayed as the epitome of evil. The science is heavily flawed. The movie turns into a ragefest – for me, anyway – when we’re introduced to Pinbacker.

I hated this movie. Hated every single godforsaken minute our characters were on screen.

Oh, and here’s another big issue! Your children will see this on Netflix or wherever other source, and believe that this science is factually accurate, and that Christianity is eeeeeeeeeeevil. This makes this movie not just a bad movie, but a dangerous movie.

Oh – and I must mention this – the second half of this movie is Friday the 13th … IIIIIIIIIIIIIIN SPAAAAAAAAAAACE!

And then all that other crap that Sunshine throws at us…

But it looked nice.

Final verdict: .5 out of 5 stars (it looks REALLY NICE!)