Review 13: Ouija (.5/5)

Ouija

Directed by Stiles White

Starring: Olivia Cooke, Ana Coto, Daren Kagasoff, Douglas Smith, Bianca Santos

Released on October 24, 2014

Running time 1h 29m

Rated PG-13

Genre: Horror

In the opening credits, we get one major puzzle piece that makes everything, at long last, fall into place: Ouija was produced by Michael Bay.

NOW it makes sense! Halfhearted, lackluster, rushed, easily predictable story. Cardboard, 1-D characters. Too much emphasis on the scares, or lack thereof, rather than the story.

I can just imagine good old Bay, high as a kite one night, saying,

“I wanna tell a really scary story, but I dont wanna hafta use my brain…where’s that Ouija script?

“Lets see…the story involves what happens when you dont use a Ouija board right. Thats new, right?

“Itll involve some high school students trying to contact one of their friends who recently committed suicide. Thats new, right?

“During their first try, they contact her, but this results in some sort of Paranormal Activity. Thats new, right?

“After that, their second try reveals that it WASNT REALLY (wait, what’s her name?) DEBBIE! Its actually a little girl named Doris – an old-timey-sounding name – afraid of her EEEEEEEEEEEVIL MOTHER that forced them to engage in Ouija sessions in the EXACT SAME HOUSE. Thats new, right?”

“And what this EEEEEEEEVIL spirit does is possess the teens and make them KILL THEMSELVES! Thats new, right?

“OOOOOH! Heres an opportunity to get back at that Lin Shaye chick for choosing Insidious 2 over The Purge! Thisll teach that old fart to choose that poopoo head James Wan over ME! Heh heh heh!

“And then, lets make Lin Shaye tell them that the only way to stop the curse is by finding the little girls body in the basement and clipping the stitches on her mouth! But then well insert a twist! It was really the LITTLE GIRL THAT WAS EVIL! Thats new, right?

“And then lets bring Debbies nana back into the plot for no reason! And she somehow knows how to stop the curse! You have to destroy the little girls body AND the Ouija board! Thats new, right?

“And it works somehow! But wait! Lets throw in ANOTHER TWIST! It actually DOESNT work, and the Ouija board is waiting for the main broad on her bed when she gets home! Thats new, right?”

WRONG!

“YES! YES! IVE CREATED THE MOST GREATEST, MOST SCARIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME WITHOUT HAVING TO USE MY BRAIN! ITLL BE THE MOST HIGHEST GROSSING MOVIE OF ALL TIME AND WILL WIN EVERY ACADEMY AWARD THIS YEAR! YES! YES! YES!

“…what the – NOOOOO! IT FAILED HORRIBLY! BUT I WANT IT TO BE THE BESTEST! I WANT IT TO! I WANT IT TO! IIIIIM A BIG BAAAAABY THAT CANT HANDLE FAILURE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-(throws temper tantrum)” (obvious exaggeration)

Why this movie is facepalmingly bad amounts to this:

Here’s a story that’s supposed to be for adults, but it’s not treating us like adults. It’s treating us like we’re just now seeing these horror cliches for the first time. And these cliches are not even presented in a new way. In fact, the way they are presented makes them feel so much older, so much more tired, so much more tedious.

It’s as if Michael Bay just made it because he could.

Final verdict: .5 out of 5 stars.

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