Review 21: Jaws franchise

Jaws

Directed by Steven Spielburg

Starring Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Shaw

Released on June 20, 1975

Running time: 2h 5m

Rated PG

Genre: Thriller, Horror

Now, before you go absolutely insane, yes, I DO LIKE this movie. Just…not as much as everyone else does. I don’t know why. Jaws just doesn’t do it for me.

We all know the story. The slowest-moving (and somehow most-realistic-looking) shark (we learn in Jaws sequels it’s female) I’ve ever seen in any movie (except future Jaws sequels) begins its rampage around the lively island community of Amity. Most of the movie winds up being Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, and Robert Shaw versus the media, the public, greedy corporations, their own government, rogue shark-hunting organizations, and an annoying fakeout. Ultimately, the Dynamic Shark-Hunting Trio head out to sea to destroy the shark once and for all. Though Shaw is eaten, Scheider shoves an oxygen tank into its mouth, says “Smile, you son of a b!tch!” and shoots the oxygen tank, blowing the shark up and saving Amity.

You know, I could have sworn that the MythBusters proved that that wouldn’t work.

Aaaaaand then, in the sequel, the shark comes back right the eff out of nowhere AND ATTACKS AMITY AGAIN. HOLY CRAP! HOW DID THE SHARK DO THAT?! So Roy Scheider blows the dang shark up again, saving Amity again.

Aaaaaand then, in Jaws 3D, the shark comes back AGAIN, this time at SeaWorld. Some other guy with an allergy for Old Spice blows the dang shark up AGAIN, therefore allowing SeaWorld to continue to involuntarily and voluntarily mistreat orcas.

Aaaaaand then, in Jaws 4: The Revenge, the shark comes back AGAIN, and this time it wants revenge on Roy Scheider’s family. Apparently Roy died off-camera. Roy’s wife runs the shark through with a boat’s bowsprit (the front sticky-out thing) and this somehow causes the shark (which can now roar and replicates Jerry’s roar from Tom and Jerry) to explode. And a seriously drunk Michael Caine somehow survives the attack, but somehow manages to escape without a scratch and have his clothes still be dry.

Believe it or not, Jaws and Jaws 2 were plagiarized by the 1980 Italian film Great White, also known as The Last Shark. It featured a lackluster and laughable performance by Vic Morrow as he shamelessly ripped off Robert Shaw. The similarities were so noticeable that Universal Studios not only pulled Great White from American theaters, but also sued its production company. You can still find bootleg copies of Great White online.

Oh, I get it now! When the shark came back in Jaws 2, it created a time paradox! Richard Dreyfuss would later go to an alien world in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and would return and become a psychologist for What About Bob! Stan Lee would have a cameo in Princess Diaries 2! Ben Affleck would become Daredevil, who would become Batman! Howard the Duck would exist in a universe where he can actually be funny! The evil organization known as HYDRA would be juxtaposed with the Obama administration! Islam can be loved and appraised while Christianity can be denigrated and hated! Cats are now smarter than dogs! The Sharknado quadrilogy is successful beyond measure! Bruce Banner would receive plastic surgery twice! Sam Elliott will become General Thunderbolt Ross and, Nicholas “Ghost Rider” Cage’s mentor simultaneously, but his General Ross persona would be replaced with William Hurt!

Oh, Jaws 2. You have no idea what you caused.

Final verdicts:

Jaws: 3.5/5

2: 2.5/5

3: .5/5

4: The Revenge: .5/5

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