Review 23: Delgo (.5/5)

Delgo

Directed by Marc F. Adler and Jason Maurer

Starring Freddie Prinze, Jr., Jennifer Love Hewitt, Anne Bancroft, Chris Kattan, Louis Gossett, Jr., Val Kilmer, Malcolm McDowell, Michael Clarke Duncan, Eric Idle, Kelly Ripa, Burt Reynolds

Released on December 12, 2008

Running time: 1h 34m

Rated PG

Genre: Fantasy, Adventure

Seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt star in this train wreck may not hurt much; seeing well-known actors like Val Kilmer, Anne Bancroft, and Eric Idle in this train wreck may hurt a lot, but seeing acting giants like Malcolm McDowell, Burt Reynolds, and Michael Clarke Duncan in this train wreck feels like sodomy, castration, crucifixion, and immolation.

What the hell is even up with the title? Delgo? What does that even mean? Oh, that’s the name of our protagonist. Well, that’s a terrible name for a protagonist. It sounds like an incredibly stupid movie that thinks that it’s way more important than it really is.

The backstory is as follows: in the alien world of Jhamora (Jhamora’s location in the universe is never mentioned)(Pandora?) the winged humanoid race known as the Nohrin have exhausted the resources of their…floating rock realm (How?). They ask to share the realm with the land-dwelling Lockni. The Lockni acquiesce, but the Nohrin overstay their welcome and demand more land. The Nohrin king Zahn’s (Louis Gossett, Jr.) sister Sedessa (Anne Bancroft)(I bet she’s not the villain. I mean, her very name says “sedition”.)(she sounds BORED), rather than peacefully negotiate with the Lockni, attacks and massacres a Lockni city, against King Zahn’s orders. In a plot to take control of the Nohrin, she murders the Nohrin queen. She is caught, her wings are chopped off, and she is exiled. But while in exile, she amasses a massive army in order to steal the Nohrin throne and wipe out the Lockni. And of course, she betrays her allies, swiping their forces from under their noses. She also secretly has a romantic relationship with the Nohrin General Raius (Malcolm McDowell)(NOOOO! You were Alex in Clockwork Orange! How can you have fallen so far? It wasn’t enough that I saw you desperately try to save Rob Zombie’s Halloween!) If they have sex, I’m outta here. Well, this prologue sounds like a much better movie than the movie itself.

And now we get to the main story eight and a half minutes in. We are introduced to the main story with a “15 years later…” Seriously? I just used that font in Microsoft Word 2010. Its literally done in Papyrus. Wow. How cheap can you get?

Our story focuses on Delgo (Freddie Prinze, Jr.), a teenager who clearly sounds like an adult in his thirties (He was! He was 32 when he voiced Delgo!). He has a friend named Filo (Chris Kattan)(He was 38 when he voiced Filo. That’s even worse!), who not only has a running gag throughout Delgo that involves his sucking at firing a slingshot, but he easily reaches Jar Jar Binks levels of annoyance.

Delgo meets Kyla (Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was 30 and could at least give a D- performance), the Nohrin princess and develops a forced, rushed romance with her. Yes. Interspecies romance. Ew.

Delgo also deals with this weird stone levitation spirituality philosophy psychiatry psychology bullcrap, while putting up with Elder Marley (a very bored Michael Clarke Duncan). Strangely enough, this stoney crap actually has an impact on the plot. A minor impact, but an impact nonetheless.

After Delgo treats Kyla like crap on a “date”, Kyla is kidnapped by Raius and taken to Sedessa’s fortress. Delgo and Filo are blamed for it and arrested. In prison, they meet former general Bogardus (Val Kilmer) who lost all his weapons in two pointless gambling scenes. (Worst ripoff of poker ever) The three escape in a way that even MacGyver would find ridiculous.

They go to Sedessa’s fortress and surprisingly easily rescue Kyla as Sedessa’s soldiers mostly stand around doing nothing. There is one major flaw with this scene. Sedessa gives her big villainous speech during the middle of the second act rather than the middle of the beginning of the third act. Delgo, Filo, Kyla, and Bogardus head back to the Lockni city only to find that the war between Nohrin and Lockni has already started.

Wait, there’s a war going on? When was it a part of the plot that there was a war going on? Oh, sure, there were a couple of scenes (each lasting roughly a minute) that said that tensions were rising and that war was inevitable, but what in heaven’s name even happened to warrant war? Oh, and one of these scenes has a character voiced by Nika Futterman, who I just enjoyed hearing in Dead Space: Downfall. No comment.

When I finished watching Delgo, I realized that their Fathom Studios sequence actually had better animation than the movie itself. The actual animation in Delgo looks pretty good…for the early 90s. But this was released in 2008. The character models were ugly as sin. Hey, at least they had one more facial expression than Megan Fox. Was every character wearing spandex? I think I was almost convinced of the illusion of animation for a half second. Plants and animals were at least half decent. But everything apart from predesigned, low-res textures looks plastic or rubber. I just talked about this in The Nut Job: ground textures SUCK. They SUCK BALLS.

The story feels so ungodly rushed. We’ve seen it all before. The prejudice is only there to enforce the weak view that there is prejudice between the Lockni and Nohrin. Why is there such prejudice, anyway? When did Bogardus become one of the main characters? Hell, there’s a scene in which we’re supposed to feel sad for him. Seriously. When were him and Delgo ever friends? Stop with the Delgo and Kyla romance! They’ve known each other for an hour! Come on! Where is the conflict between Delgo and Sedessa? I mean, Sedessa killed his father, but there’s nothing else! These civilizations have invented spandex, but not guns? Why is Delgo’s weapon a freaking ball-peen hammer?

Not only is the soundtrack subpar, but it is synthesized. I have better music synthesization programs on my own computer. Hell, The Final Sacrifice had a better soundtrack! Geoff Zanelli, go screw yourself.

There is a character named Spig (Eric Idle), the announcer guy of Sedessa. He is accompanied by his big, rarely talking sidekick, I-don’t-know-his-name. Their purpose is to have Spig screw up his own usage of big words, and for the rarely speaking sidekick to continually make burp jokes. Are they funny? No. Not the first time or the tenth. And after the concept-art-filled credits are over, Spig shows up to tell the audience to get the eff out of the theater.

I gladly obliged.

Final verdict: .5 out of 5 stars

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